what's going on tonight?

It's a pretty standard Thursday. Look for open mic at Fountain City Coffee, plus house band Peggy Jenkins and the Rhythm Roosters at Broad Street Blues.

As far as live music goes, head over to Soho Bar & Grill to see The Redaction, a three-piece Atlanta-based rock act driven by guitars, unique drum beats and catchy melodies. They cite influences like Weezer and Green Day, and promise you won't get any migraine-inducing "screaming and ranting" at their show. They're joined here tonight by Baumer, a South Carolina rock/pop group.

Luckily, Friday's almost here.

the boob tube

"When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows."

-Frederick Ryder

Good luck masking your "One Tree Hill" addiction.

This essay describes the way in which TV dates -- literally watching TV with your significant other -- have transformed from makeout preludes to a genuine way to size up a romantic partner. The author writes, "Until recently, a TV-based first or second date would get a person blacklisted. But today, somehow, it seems to be okay."

Now more than ever, the article notes, TV habits are considered make-or-break factors at a relationship's onset. Especially in MySpace-based love connections, when mention of a passion for "Everybody Loves Raymond" reruns can be enough to make you delete the "getting to know you" message you planned on sending.

In college, the closest I came to watching TV on a date was an inability to find the remote control pre-hookup session. Then, we'd watch late-night television by default, and lapses in our "mmms" and "oh yeahs" always awkwardly coincided with Viagra commercials.

Once I hit the real world, though, I became more aware of TV's role in solidifying romantic ties. It's a way to test the limits of someone's sense of humor without directly having to ask them if they'll laugh at your fart machine. I remember being strangely turned on by a former fling midway through an episode of "The Andy Milonakis Show," when we both laughed at a scene involving obscene quantities of food. A hookup ensued shortly thereafter.

More importantly, though, TV dates offer an almost unrivaled opportunity to gauge someone's willingness to compromise and/or escape their comfort zone. Watching your partner's favorite TV show isn't just a collective effort to fill 30 minutes...it's an invitation to enter someone else's life.

Yeah, it may lack the significance of meeting parents, but sitting through a TV show you'd otherwise hate is often a major rite of passage.

With luck, you'll find yourself more turned on even after the TV is turned off.

pillow talk

"Someone once said that two halves make a whole. And when two halves move in together, it makes a whole lot of stuff."

-Carrie Bradshaw, "Sex and the City"

Tired of being involuntarily slapped on the face at 2 a.m.? How about realizing your partner's hogging the covers midway through an arctic freeze?

Help may be near.

Separate bedrooms for partners are all the rage in real estate now, according to this article. It says that over 60% of upscale homes will feature two master bedrooms by 2015. The reason? Partially to sleep better. "The 75% of Americans who sleep poorly or snore, according to the National Sleep Foundation in Washington, D.C., would undoubtedly be better served by some additional space," the article notes.

And surprisingly, some experts maintain that separate bedrooms could actually enhance couples' sex lives. Some sex therapists say sharing a bed space actually adds a dangerous element of monotony to some relationships. His and hers living quarters, therefore, could resurrect some of the mystery that generally characterizes a relationship's honeymoon phase.

As a woman, I guess I'm to some extent a natural cuddler, but I've always hated sharing a bed with guys who feel the need for incessant cuddling throughout the night. My biggest beef with shared sleeping arrangements? Temperature issues.

I'm pretty much always hot at night -- literally and figuratively -- and I hate it when guys force the covers on me or refuse to turn on the AC.

But will separate sleeping quarters ever catch on? I doubt it. First, I think there will always be something grandma-like about sleeping in a different bed than your significant other. More importantly, though, sleeping together -- even with annoyances like snoring and cover-hogging -- is one of the chief bonding elements in a couple's life.

Why else would we put up with bad breath and bed head? Because the benefit -- the satisfaction of seeing someone you care about first thing in the morning -- far outweighs the drawbacks.

Happy Hump Day, guys.

more weekend stories

Two more really cool things about my weekend...I made the Sonic drinks as planned and LOVED them. This is pretty much the best idea I came up with in my entire life.

The alcoholic base of the drinks was mango Van Gogh vodka. Saturday, we made two separate drinks with Sonic beverages -- one with cherry limeade and the other with tropical mango iced tea. Delicious. We loved it so much that we did it again Monday night -- cherry limeade (again) and a Full Throttle Fury slush.

Something else exciting? Sunday, Alan suprised me with an impromptu trip to Lenox Square mall in Atlanta. I bought a whole bunch of cool stuff, including these shoes. We followed the shopping sesh with a fabulous dinner at Einstein's Restaurant in Midtown Atlanta. You guys need to go there. One of the best parts were the $6 martinis. I opted for a South Beach Martini, made of Absolut Vanilla, Bacardi CoCo and pineapple juice.

Best. Weekend. Ever.

happy tuesday, gorgeous!

Even though I entered the weekend with relatively low expectations -- minus all claims of "best weekend EVER" -- I pretty much had the most spectacular three days of my entire life.

First, I have to tell you guys about my night on the town Friday. So I went downtown alone, in hopes of making some new friends and unwinding after an especially stressful week at work. My first stop? Oxygen, where I took a spot as the sole dancer on the ladies-only dance floor. While I was dancing, I couldn't help but notice a couple who was exhibiting some especially dirty dancing. You know, the usual hip gyrations and the "Is that a cell phone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" stuff.

Midway through their dancing, the male half of the pair gestured toward me and asked me to dance. I stared at his girl quizzically, after which the guy responded, "Oh, she's like my sister."

Um...Alabama, anyone?

Second story...at approximately 1 a.m., I made my final stop of the night. I was having a great time until these two guys invaded my table. I talked to them just to be nice, and in hopes of getting a cool column idea. But they were just weird. And very touchy-feely. So I escaped into the bathroom and guzzled my drink, looking for an excuse to get out of the club ASAP. One of the girls in the bathroom asked what I was doing, and I told her about the two guys. Just as I finished the story, a girl came out of the stall and was like, "I know those guys. They just got out of jail."

I automatically sprinted back to my car. Good stories?

ballers beware

Just about three hours until I officially start my three-day weekend. Hope you're surviving Friday, too.

Read my weekend picks here. Basically, I'm not doing anything spectacular this weekend, but I know I'm probably still going to have the best three days of my entire life. Tonight, I have a hot dinner date at Red Robin, which is in summary one of my favorite restaurants ever. Ironically, I totally hated it before I moved here. The reason? I went there on a first date while I was living in California, and the guy did nothing but talk about magic mushrooms the entire time. Hated him. Then, after the worst dinner conversation yet, he took me to this club that played nothing but techno. And I hate techno. It was probably the most boring date EVER and I swore off Red Robin for over a year after that.

Actually, the same thing happened with this dress I own. I bought it before flying cross-country to see this guy I liked, and it cost close to $100. (That's a lot when you're a journalist.) Anyway, I got there, and even after not seeing me for a year, the guy said absolutely nothing about my dress. So I assumed it was actually hideous and didn't wear it for TWO YEARS. Then, after last week's fashion show, I needed something to match my new shoes and that dress was the only thing I came up with. I wore it downtown, and surprisingly got TONS of compliments.

So what I'm trying to say is...before you swear something off for good, realize that sometimes finding the perfect fit requires nothing more changing your audience. Or whatever.

Anyway, back to weekend news...my other big plans include going to Muldoon's to see Autumn Haze, the local party band who'll be playing there Friday and Saturday. Actually, I'm writing about Muldoon's for the first installment of a new bar profile series in the paper, so look for that in next Thursday's To Do section.

Another thing that I'm very excited about is making cocktails out of beverages from Sonic. In summary, they're going to be delicious and I'll make sure to take lots of pictures and write recipes for y'all.

Basically, the weather is going to be great and there's no reason to NOT be outside this weekend. You should especially check out the ongoing bocce game on Broadway. Which brings me to this article about sex advice from bocce players. A sample? "The object of bocce is to get the ball as close to the other ball as possible without knocking it out, which teaches you how to get someone right to where they should be, but not push them too far."

Have a great three-day weekend!!!!!

passive. aggressive. bad.

TGIF. The weekend's almost here.

In the meantime...how much do you hate passive-aggressive people? Recently, I found this site, dedicated entirely to photos of passive-agressive notes like the one shown above. You know, those sly little sticky notes in which people kindly ask you to remember to put the toilet seat down or not steal their lunch goodies in the fridge. I think my favorite from the site is one that says, "If you leave the coffee pot low, you fail at life."

In summary, passive-aggressive people are very annoying. Once, when I was walking my dog Bayleigh in Bibb City, we spotted probably the most ghetto sign ever in someone's front yard. It read, "No bathroom stop here." Genius. I bet all the literate local stray dogs totally heeded that advice.

Another time, somebody took issue with my perfume...but instead of approaching me and civilly discussing the issue, they asked a middle man to do it. Weak.

Moral of the story? If you're afraid of confrontation, don't bother complaining. And if you do complain, via sticky note or an awkward middle man, you end up only fueling your aggressor's fire.

what's going on tonight?

Almost TGIF, guys. Hang in there.

It's the usual options for anyone who wants to get wild on a Thursday night. Highlights include open mic at Fountain City Coffee and house band Peggy Jenkins and the Rhythm Roosters at Broad Street Blues in Phenix City.

You can also catch the Atlanta rockers from No Longer Mica at Soho Bar & Grill.

Want to do something special without getting buck wild? No problem. I recommend trying Spices From the Carribbean, a neat little joint on University Avenue. The food's great, and the sand on the ground will instantly transport you to the beach atmosphere.

military guys, part 2

Recap: I sent out a bunch of MySpace surveys to Fort Benning guys for this week's column. Here's the second batch of responses that didn't fit in the print edition. (Be sure to check out the first set in the post below.)

*"I do go downtown, I have been single most of my time in Columbus and I have found that it is really hard to meet women in Columbus. I usually don't have a hard time when I leave Columbus, but there I do. I think women look at men in the military and think that most of us are pigs and don't even give us a chance. There are bad seeds everywhere. Military or no military. Yes, when I go out it is generally to meet women, who doesn't want a woman in their life?"

*"We like to let loose and once we come back from a year or so gone we are even more prone to letting loose."

*"I think there are guys stationed here and guys training here. As a guy stationed here, my goal isn't to just hook up, because I will probably see that person again, and after 12 or so hook ups, it's almost positive a girl I hooked up with would be in every bar. Guys training here are just passing through and will be gone in 3 weeks to 6 months"

*"You're lucky if you're within 5 blocks of a single female around here."

*"Being in the military sets most guys apart from other guys who are not in uniform. Even though it seems overly dramatic and an exaggeration, the soldiers you see around Columbus are the warriors of the present. Benning soldiers now carry the torch passed on from the Spartans, Romans, etc. to present day. Indeed any young man who enlists with the current situation is brave beyond doubt."

*"A lot of people think military guys go out to party and go get one-night stands. Which is true about most, but there are a few exceptions. I'm not really one of them, though."

*"A lot of guys aren't just looking to hook up, and there are a lot of different types of military guys downtown. Officers, Non-Comissioned Officers, Soldiers, and within those groups there are plenty of different reasons they are at Fort Benning."

*"When I go out, yes it is to primarily to meet women. Although I would like to say that there aren't that many good women in Columbus."

*"It's funny, before I was in the military, I thought that it would be kind of a turn on for females that I was in the military, now when I tell one what i do, there seems to be a negative connotation."

*"I think military guys will always feel like outsiders in the club scene. I don't feel weird or not welcome, but standing out in a crowd is hardly ever comfortable."

military guys...unzipped

Get your mind out of the gutter.

For this week's nightlife column, I sent dozens of MySpace messages to Fort Benning guys, asking if they face stereotypes on the local nightlife scene...and if those stereotypes are justified. Surprisingly, I received nearly 30 responses in just about two days. You can read the majority of my findings in the column, available here.

I was happy with the volume of comments, and surprised at how articulate all respondents were. In fact, I even had to omit some of the best responses from my column. Thank God I have a blog. So here, for your dating consideration, are some candid thoughts from military guys.

*"I think the bartenders (in Columbus) see us as a good source of cash, everyone else just sees us as a nuisance."

*"I think we are a little more aggressive in the pursuit of women. This may be because we are trained to be aggressive and the shortage of women around us on post."

*"Let me tell you, sister, I'm the no shit sweetest guy on this base but all these girls have ruined things by stereotyping so every single weekend I LEAVE town. I have not spent a weekend in columbus in 4 months. The girls don't hate you in other towns. "

*Asked a fail-safe strategy for picking up local women, one guy responded, "GET OUT OF TOWN, GO TO AUBURN, ATLANTA, PC, DESTIN, ANYWHERE BUT HERE THERE IS ONLY MISERY FOR US HERE.... was that dramatic enough??"

*"The only place I go out to is the Catwalk and I rarely get laid or even meet women."

*"I don't really know how to interact. Therefore it makes it extremely hard for me to meet a girl."

*"I have not had a girlfriend for over 2 and a half years that I've been living here. It's kind of depressing, but I guess that I have not met the right one yet."

*"I don't go places with other military members. I prefer to do things with civilians, because military members have such big...egos. Someone always has to 'prove' they are better at something, at least that is what I have seen occur before."

*"In Fort Benning we are a rapid deployment unit gone 2 times to Iraq on third. Now there's not enough time to build a strong relationship. And if you say there is if you try, well then look at this: Soldiers get married daily to women they know for years and women they've known for days. Some marry for money, some for love. Now when we deploy we are gone for 12-15 months at a time and a good chunk of these woman are cheating on their husbands or spending all their hard-earned cash on not just household bills but drugs and other crap."

objectify this

Tired of smart alecs asking you to marry the computer you love? Take them up on the offer.

This article is all about objectophilia, a sexual obsession with certain objects. Seriously. One 25-year-old woman notes, "When it comes to love, I am only attracted to objects. I couldn't imagine a love affair with a human being."

Wait...it gets better. You'll read all about a 35-year-old guy who's in a homosexual relationship with a male iBook, but claims he has "often flirted with many a sweet laptop on eBay and felt true desire."

Not to mention the 41-year-old repair guy who, at just 12 years old, took on an emotional and physical relationship with a Hammond organ. He's since moved on to a monogamous relationship with a locomotive, which is apparently kind of a big deal, since he's cheated in the past. He cites a weakness for "the inner workings of technical objects."

"A love affair could very well begin with a broken radiator," he says.

Wow...and you thought your leather fetish was weird.

Happy Thursday, everyone. And hey...stop making out with that cell phone.

seal the deal. or not.

Hump Day. Yay.

Came across this article about common relationship deal-breakers. It describes a deal-breaker as "a characteristic or trait about a person that we can't accept." It cites cheating and "being cheap" as some common deal-breakers.

In dating, I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt, so there's few things -- other than using illegal substances -- that I'd say would make me immediately stop talking to a guy. For me, be-all end-alls are rare in the dating world.

At the same time, I've found that initial turn-offs are generally indicative of a larger flaw. For example, I once went out with a guy who refused to pay on the first date. I rationalized it to death, telling myself it was a fluke occurrence. Maybe he's just broke, I told myself, maybe he's trying to not lead me on too quickly, maybe he just isn't that up on date protocol.

Turns out all of those were false.

He never paid for me, and his financial shortcomings were reflective of a reluctance to be invested in our future.

So maybe I should have gone with my gut and called a deal-breaker at the relationship's get-go after all.

What about you? Do you attach deal-breakers to relationships? Do they come with exceptions? Is there a difference between a trait-based deal-breaker (smoking, for example) and a belief-based one (say, belonging to a different church)?

Send me your thoughts. You know you want to.

psst...

Happy Tuesday, everybody.

I just found this article about what are allegedly the top five secrets you should keep from your partner. They are as follows:

5. "You don't turn me on right now."

4. "I flirt with others at work."

3. "I can't stand your friends."

2. "I still think about my ex."

1. "I can't live without you."

Agree? Disagree? What, if any, level of secrecy do you think is expected in a romantic relationship? I remember a guy friend of mine wouldn't even help throw his girlfriend a surprise birthday party because he said it violated their "no secrets" rule. I thought that was pretty bizarre.

But seriously...the rising emphasis on communication makes secrets seem even more taboo. Yet I'd be curious to find out if certain subjects are still off-limits for couples. Is it acceptable to never state how many people you've slept with in the past?

the monday moan

In an effort to curb work-related conversation and decrease productivity, here's another perplexing question courtesy of The Monday Moan:

If you know that a friend is being cheated on, do you have an ethical obligation to tell him or her? What about if the person isn't a friend, but just an acquaintance? Does your answer stay the same?

Discuss.

divas & dragons

I have two stiletto-induced scabs on both my knees, but before you send me your condolences, I'll note they occurred only in the aftermath of Friday's fashion show. Thank God.

So yes, I did make it across the runway twice without any major casualties. Success. All in all, the experience was fun, even if it did feel slightly surreal at times. I think Alan said it best when he compared the ordeal to a game of "Dungeons and Dragons."

Girls came from all walks of life to take on an alter ego -- in this case, that of a model -- as a means of temporary escape from the real world. That kinda makes sense, right?

The rest of the weekend was pretty stellar. On Friday and Saturday combined, I hit five nightlife venues: Locos Amigos Cantina, Mario's, Broad Street Blues, Daileys and Big City Club. The onset of summer has definitely made downtown much less crowded, which is ironic because you'd think the warm weather would increase people's willingness to party.

I guess the regular partiers are on vacation...or opting for summer house parties instead.

Random impressions of the weekend...I think it's ironic that Daileys, the bar that moved into the space that used to house Boneheads, is still giving out Boneheads wristbands. Also, I can't emphasize enough how much I hate close talkers. Even when the music is really loud, I don't understand what compels somebody to talk so closely that their nose is literally touching yours.

Finally, this weekend I encountered an all-time high of people complaining about how much they hate Columbus. Ironically, the majority of these people had lived in town for at least a decade. If you hate somewhere that much, move. Sure, in some rare cases there may be factors holding you down, but often it's mainly laziness and fear that make someone play the victim card.

Enough said.

Happy Monday. The Monday Moan will follow.

TGIF TGIF TGIF TGIF

Hey guys...sorry for the late post today. My thoughts have been on tonight's fashion show, which -- insert shameless self-promotion here -- begins at 8 p.m. on Broadway. It's is part of the Uptown Concert Series. The event features the Old School Band and Ed Cox and the Tender Blenders. Held from 7 to 11 p.m. on the new stage on the 1100 block of Broadway, it's free.

Am I nervous? Not really. Probably the No. 1 thing on my mind is negotiating the quasi-runway in my new plastic stripper heels. HOT.

Last night was fun...started off with dinner at Ben's Chophouse as planned. All in all, it was delish. I'd say 4 stars out of 5. I ordered a filet, garlic mashed potatoes and two watermelon martinis. Loved the drinks especially.

Then we headed to the Tap, which attracted an average crowd for a Thursday night. Nothing too crazy, but fun, and a welcome departure from an usually stressful week.

What else is going on? I'll probably hang around downtown a bit post-fashion show, barring any humilation from a possible runway casualty.

OK, I'm not even going to kid about that anymore. I'm nervous.

I'll give you guys an update tomorrow. Come watch me at 8 p.m., or at least wish me luck.

what's going on tonight?

It's Thursday, and something tells me you guys all need to go out and party.

Count on the usual options -- open mic at Fountain City, house band Peggy Jenkins and the Rhythm Roosters at Broad Street Blues -- as well as two promising live acts. Indie rockers Kill Your Ex hit The Vault, while hard rockers Greedy White Citizens take the stage at SoHo Bar & Grill.

What am I doing? I'm pretty much going to have the best night ever. I have a hot dinner date at Ben's Chophouse (5300 Sidney Simons Blvd.), and then -- assuming I can convince everyone in my party to go out -- I'm headed to The Uptown Tap. Perfect.

If you're new to town, or just don't have any friends with the will to go out on a Thursday night, come hang out with us. In fact, you can come even if you do have friends.

waiting to inhale

This British anti-smoking campaign featuring fish hooks in men's and women's mouths has generated the highest number of complaints to the Advertising Standards Authority since 2005, according to this article.

The ads are designed to address the concept of being "hooked" on smoking. They read, "The average smoker needs over five thousand cigarettes a year. Get unhooked."

I've never smoked cigarettes -- consistently -- but my sorority dorm floor pretty much smelled like a smoker's paradise. Mmmm.

A couple quick thoughts on smoking...first, I wonder if anybody still regards it as a turnoff in the dating universe. I remember a guy once told me he was turned ON by girls who smoke and I thought that was pretty much the weirdest thing in the world.

Also, I think it's funny that some some 20- and 30-somethings still smoke to be cool. Smoking was a huge thing on the college speech team circuit, and a whole bunch of my fellow competitors would often just hold a cigarette -- or smoke, but not inhale -- just to look cool. Even now, I see people do the same thing in bars almost every weekend.

Posers. Their coolness levels are so up in smoke.

model behavior

"I began to realize that being beautiful is like having a rent-controlled apartment overlooking the park: completely unfair and usually bestowed upon those who deserve it least."

--Carrie Bradshaw, "Sex and the City"

Flaunting unshaven legs and frizzy hair, I spent an hour last night watching the season finale of "America's Next Top Model." I got addicted to the show in its first season, largely because I harbored same-sex fantasies about eventual winner Adrianne Curry. But as it became more about Tyra's shameless self-promotion and less about actual good looks, my interest waned. Still, I was happy when my fellow Chicago native Jaslene (pictured above) won.

I'll be hitting the runway -- on Broadway -- in a fashion show for Zoila's Boutique at 8 p.m. Friday, and I'm having all sorts of nightmares about falling on my face and becoming "fashion roadkill" a la Carrie Bradshaw in a fourth-season episode of "Sex and the City."

Beauty to me is some kind of parallel universe, one in which you'll always be "cute" when you want to be "gorgeous" and "sexy" when you want to be "hot."

Intermittently, my girlfriends and I discuss what "cute," "hot" and "beautiful" mean to a guy. I'd say "beautiful" has a relationship connotation, while "hot" implies more of a one-night stand potential and "cute" suggests a friends-only, little sister relationship.

Am I right? Also, do you think you're more inclined to find beauty or take beauty for granted the longer you know a member of the opposite sex?

Send me your thoughts, because I'm thinking about writing a column about this. Oh, and everybody who reads this blogs has a totally bangin' body. Even you, mom.

better off alone?

Happy hump day, everybody.

Not exactly enjoying marital bliss? Try visiting a shrine in Kyoto (Japan's capital), where visitors crawl into a wish tunnel, pray and make offerings -- all designed to make ditching a partner easier. Read the whole story here.

It says the 800-year-old Yasui Konpiragu Shrine, which yearly gets about 40,000 visitors from all over the globe, caters to guests trying to ditch a lousy partner. Above 70 percent of guests are women, a priest at the shrine says.

Laugh as much as you like, but I think this item highlights the perils of non-confrontation, as well as the extent to which people will go to avoid doing a relationship's dirty work themselves.

That's "dirty" in a bad way, perverts.

bow down to the queen

Wanted to include a quick pic of my little sis Serena, who was voted queen of her junior prom last Saturday night. She's the one wearing the tiara. Duh.

I went to three proms during my high school career, and none of them were extremely exciting. One year, I didn't even RIDE there with my date. How lame was I?

That said, I like to think I curbed a bit of my prom angst by giving really good fashion advice to my sis this year. She wore a strapless dress, and initially contemplated wearing her thick, wavy hair down. Bad decision. Strapless dresses are designed to accentuate your upper body -- shoulders, neckline, cleavage. When you have your hair down, especially if it's of the big hair variety, it overpowers your neckline and thus defeats the central purpose of wearing a strapless dress. Just some fashion advice for your Wednesday afternoon.

And while we're on the topic of fashion advice, I have one more helpful hint for you.

Tops with especially busy patterns -- say, swirly hues of blue and orange, are designed to stand alone. It's not a good idea to pair them with a busy bottom...for example, jeans with elaborate colorful embroidery. By doing that, you offer conflicting focal points that detract from the shirt's original appeal.

You can thank me later.

stalk like a pro

First, this pic has absolutely nothing to do with stalking. It's my personal homage to La Lohan, recently named Maxim's No. 1 hottest woman. Thanks for making me proud to own a copy of "Parent Trap," Lindz.

OK...now for today's topic at hand. Stalking. Yesterday, I wrote about my former love interest who told me on Sunday he'd gotten engaged. Since Sunday, I've literally gotten dozens of calls from mutual friends of ours wanting to break the news to me and, more importantly, get some juicy reaction. Most of them are people I hadn't heard from in months...people who suddenly had the urge to resurrect ties once they found out they could catch me in a moment of drama.

Bad form.

Good stalking is all about permanent relationships. If you really want to get good gossip out of somebody, you have to make a point of consistently being their friend for at least three months, so when something juicy and drama-filled does happen, they won't hesitate to trust you.

If that sounds cruel and underhanded, you're a very perceptive reader. Congratulations.

In summary, I'm pretty much the best stalker ever. I pride myself on surreptitiously learning not only everything about the guys I date, but also everything about the girls they've been with before and/or after me. For instance, an ex of mine recently told me his girlfriend got into grad school, so I researched not only the school, but the the specific program she's taking as well as her course requirements. You know, just for shits and giggles.

Some people, like my friend Lisa, are lucky enough to know they're being stalked. But at the same time, there's a whole load of people who have absolutely no idea that I know everything about them. And their 314 MySpace friends. The new conquest I added to my stalking repertoire over the weekend, for example, hasn't even met me. Too bad I already have all her hobbies memorized.

So the moral of the story is to never underestimate the importance of a long-lasting friendship. And don't forget that true stalker bliss is often only a Google search away. Happy Tuesday!

the monday moan

Whoa. Brace yourself.

This marks the debut of an entirely new "Walk of Shame" feature, The Monday Moan. In an effort to promote healthy dialogue and even healthier procrastination (why ELSE would you read this?), I'll ask a thought-perplexing relationship-related question every Monday. So let's get this party started.

Would rather have your partner cheat on you with a member of the same sex, or a member of the opposite sex?

At first I thought the answer to this one was straightforward. Clearly, I thought, I'd rather have a guy cheat on me with another guy...because that way, I'd be less inclined to believe I did something to make it happen. But then again, it was also make me feel as if our entire relationship was worthless, since he clearly wanted an entirely different gender. Whereas if a guy cheated on me with another girl, I could simply attribute it to the lure of temptation. Even if we broke up in that scenario, I likely wouldn't feel as if our entire relationship was a charade.

I'd like to hear what you think.

not exactly fabulous

"You're Sonya Sorich. He has to like you at least a little bit."

--A random acquaintance, midway through one of my erratic attempts to decipher boys

That quote was a highlight in an otherwise stressful and drama-packed (read: horrible) weekend. It wasn't entirely devoid of good points, however. My haircut at Salon Bellage was probably one of my most successful grooming experiences ever, and on Saturday I learned my little sis in California was named prom queen. Probably because she was wearing one of those dresses made out of condoms. Kidding.

That said, the rest of the weekend left a lot to be desired. Nothing major -- and hey, I could have had pinkeye like Lisa -- and the majority of it was stuff that could be reserved for an episode of "Laguna Beach." Or "When Animals Attack." (I was dog-sitting.)

Still, I'd like to discuss some of the weekend's major low points, most of which pertain to cell phone etiquette. No, I'm not going to rant again about missed calls. OK. First, if you're on the phone and see an incredibly important number come up on "call waiting" -- an urgent call that will require a 15-minute conversation -- do not put the other person on hold. Simply explain the situation and hang up.

Also, if your phone is going to run out of batteries or be out of range in less than three minutes, do not call anybody. Doing so is rude. And, if you absolutely must call somebody, preface the call with, "Hey, my phone's gonna die in two minutes, but I just wanted to call you really quickly."

The second example happened when -- get this -- a former fling of mine called Sunday to tell me he'd gotten engaged. It was hard enough struggling with the obligatory formalities...like finding a version of "thanks for lying to me and never buying me dinner" that translates into "congratulations." Then, just as he asked me about my life, his phone conveniently started to die. I had just enough time to utter one last "I'm so happy for you."

That translates into "I hope the ring turns her finger green."

around the world in one margarita

When I walked into Columbus nightclub Memory Lane Saturday, I hardly imagined I'd be returning to my days on my high school's Model United Nations team.

OK, I realize I just became significantly less cool by disclosing my participation on MUN. Please keep reading.

Anyway, I went to Memory Lane for a column I'm writing this week. I won't give away too many details before then, but I will disclose a slight anecdote for your Monday enjoyment. There was some sort of international rugby tournament at Fort Benning over the weekend, and apparently a whole bunch of the local guys told their foreign visitors that Memory Lane was the best place to visit if they wanted to, um, taste some Southern peaches prior to returning home.

I never really got the whole "Memory Lane is a good place to get laid" idea. The nightclub caters to an older clientele, and my co-worker Brad says this heightens a guy's likelihood of getting action, since there's a lower chance they'll have to deal with a 20-something's mind games. The tradeoff? Um, hello, you're banging Mrs. Garrett from "Facts of Life."

So I spent an entire night entertaining pickup lines that weren't only cheesy, but required a pocket-size digital translator. Sweet.

I think the highlight of the night was the bald-headed guy I met from Cardiff (the capital of Wales). First, he totally sounded exactly like Shrek. Second, after a night of following me around, he finally admitted, "The guys from Fort Benning told me I'd find beautiful American women here, and you're the only one I've found so far."

Score!

Read more on "Memory Lane" in my column in this week's To Do section. Additional weekend details will follow.

word to my mother

Usually I don't post on Sundays -- not because I'm hung over, but because I don't have Internet at home -- but I'm bucking tradition so I can give a special shout-out to my mom.

In summary, my mom is pretty much the coolest person in the entire world. Even though she lives in California, I still feel closer to her than ever. Probably because she has the patience to put up with my incessant phone calls, and has even taken to answering the phone with my trademark "holler."

My favorite mom memory, however, has be the role she played in teaching me to drive. When I was 22 years old. I had my license, but a lapse in driving during college made me terrified to get behind the wheel once I started work in the "real world" post-graduation. So in the weeks prior to my first newspaper job, my mom gave me some serious behind-the-wheel training. Even though I pretty much wanted to kill her then -- two words: imaginary brake -- I now feel like I'll never be able to thank her enough.

Anyway, on my first day of work, my mom came with me because I was afraid to drive alone. We figured we'd worked things out perfectly...she agreed to sit in the car all day and wait for me so she could accompany me if I was called out an assignment. So I got into work, and one of my editors told me I had to go cover a water board meeting at 9 a.m. No problem, right? My mom was in the car to help me drive.

Not that easy.

My editor then told me he'd be coming into the meeting with me to introduce me to some people. Immediately, I panicked. There I was, 22 years old at my first serious journalism job, and my new boss was going to find out my MOM came to work with me. So I got in the car, informed my mom of the situation, and made her crouch down under the seat, giving me driving instructions as we followed my editor to the meeting site.

Once we got there, I totally thought we were in the clear...I'd park far away, get out of the car and meet my boss in front of the building.

False.

My editor parked right next to us. Next to the passenger side of my car. Where my mom was sitting.

Busted. I had no choice but to act 100 percent normal. I just turned to my editor and said, "Adam, this my mom. OK, are we going into the meeting?"

Believe it or not, a year later, I drove across the country alone.

Thanks for putting me in the driver's seat, mom. But more importantly, thanks for always being my passenger-side air bag when I make a wrong turn.

Love you. Hollaback.

hair today, gone tomorrow

TGIF. Finally!!!

So you survived another week. Good job. Looking for stuff to do this weekend? Or ways to stalk me this weekend? Fair enough. Tonight, I'm heading over to SoHo to see country music husband-and-wife team The Wrights. Saturday, I have pretty much the busiest day ever, as I'll be running with the Chattahoochee Valley Hash House Harriers at 4 p.m., judging ugly bridesmaid dresses at the Columbus Museum at 7 p.m. and partying at Memory Lane from 11 p.m. till whenever.

Why am I spending Saturday night at the token old peoples' club? Um, hello...where else can I test my free trial-size sample of Cialis? Brace yourself for the details.

Beyond the realm of entertainment, I'll probably lose 59 lbs. of hair this weekend. OK, maybe 57. I'm getting my hair cut at Salon Bellage Saturday morning, in addition to an eyebrow wax, lip wax and the obligatory start-of-summer bikini wax. I'm pretty much a mammoth right now and I can't wait to be restored to my original hairless albino form.

For anyone who hasn't experienced the wonders of waxing, let me be the first to tell you it's truly a magnificent world. One in which you find yourself not only in a physical position resembling the Bermuda Triangle, but your entire body is also pretty much in the hands of someone who spends 8 hours a day boiling wax. Think about it.

Also, the moment you come to that realization, your waxer will likely ask you some deeply personal question. It's like being asked to briefly explain the origins of human nature three seconds before heading over to the guillotine.

HOT.

what's going on tonight?

It's Thursday. You know the drill. Open mic at Fountain City Coffee, DJ Che at The Vault and Peggy Jenkins and the Rhythm Roosters at Broad Street Blues. SoHo hosts Canadian rock band ONE, an act that has been called the next Nickelback.

Have fun, wherever you end up.

I am SO ready for TGIF. You guys should be very excited to hear my plans for the weekend.

dial this

Hope everyone is having a great Thursday.

Regarding cell phones...I absolutely hate it when people call me and do not leave a message. If you do this, please stop it. Riveting new technology -- caller ID -- puts your number on my missed call log. Logically, I then check to see if you left a message, but see nothing.

Later, you complain that I never returned your call.

That is not justified.

Without a message, I assume you dialed my number accidently, or actually didn't want to talk to me after all. And I don't want to be the pathetic phone stalker who -- sans voice message -- immediately calls you back with a needy, "I saw you called. What did you want?"

And if you really didn't want to talk to me -- hence the lack of message -- my call in turn puts you in an awkward position, as you are forced into possibly the worst conversation in the entire world.

So please leave me messages. Assuming, of course, you want to talk.

P.S. -- You're probably wondering what the pic of Stacy Keibler has to do with this post. The answer is absolutely nothing. I just have a huge girl crush on her. You know how she's called
"The Legs of the WWE"? I want to be called the legs of the L-E.

Ledger-Enquirer. Get it?

the slutty professor

Happy hump day, everyone. If you're suffering from some midweek despair, check out this site about pornification, "the art of turning a legitimate movie title into a porno by manipulating a word or group of words in the title, often employing the use of puns to create a lurid, sexually suggestive title."

Need some examples? How about "Grinding Nemo," "Malcom XXX," "American Booty" and "White Men Can't Hump."

Can't wait to hear what else you guys come up with.

a moment like this

Thanks to loyal reader Erin for drawing my attention to the Aug. 28 Kelly Clarkson concert. I'm all over a Columbus "Since U Been Gone" contingent. Or just hitting the show alone.
Any takers?

that's hot

Hope everyone survived Tuesday. In case you haven't heard, one of Paris Hilton's friends started this petition to encourage Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon her from her jail sentence. It had just over 5,000 online signatures when I last checked. An excerpt? "She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives."

Which reminds us again that "A Night in Paris" was thisclose to that coveted Nobel Peace Prize.

On another note...as I've mentioned before, I lived in Wisconsin for four years, and I still manage to think about America's Dairyland at least once a day. That's not necessarily a good thing...there's just something strangely enigmatic about that state that makes certain things slip under the radar on a regular basis.

Just look at -- not literally -- the free rectal screenings the Milwaukee Brewers recently offered at Miller Park, according to this article. All participants got two free tickets to a home game.

Talk about ways to find a good piece of ass...

case of the ex

This photo of exes Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake exchanging formalities at the "Shrek the Third" premiere got me thinking about the age-old question of whether it's possible to be friends with an ex.

Some logic says sure...if somebody was a big enough part of your life for a long enough time, there's no reason to let a little failed romantic chemistry get in the way of a lifelong friendship. Which I think is fair thinking, as long as you ended things amicably.

But I think the issue puts you on a very slippery slope, because one person's feelings are almost always going to be stronger than the other's. And while those feelings are often masked in "just saying hi" and "I'm so happy for you," they still exist...and often contribute to a false hope in rekindling something beyond friendship.

And also...if someone lied or cheated on you, he or she isn't a friend in the first place. Reader: I don't even know you, but I'm guessing there are approximately 3,421 people interested in hanging out with you. So why make it such a priority to pursue a friendship with the one person who isn't worth it?

Thoughts?

never again?

A great weekend overall, but I could have done without the free tequila shot I got at The Uptown Tap. I spent a good portion of Sunday morning regretting that one, and it reminded me of celebrating my 21st birthday back in Ripon, Wisc., where my first shot of the night was a mixture of tequila and Tabasco sauce. Vomit.

Anyway, I chose to celebrate Cinco de Mayo with the $10 downtown bar crawl. All in all, it was a good choice, although the crowds weren't as large as what we saw on St. Patty's Day. The $10 cover got us into six venues, my favorite of which was Oxygen. As much as that club is criticized for its role as downtown's token Miami wannabe, you've gotta love the all-ladies dance floor.

On another note...I've had the new Kelly Clarkson song, "Never Again," in my head all day after hearing it back-to-back on my drive to work this morning. The song has kind of garnered a mixed reaction from fans, but I pretty much love it.

And something else...is it bad that I'm a little happy that "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" star Ty Pennington was arrested Saturday morning on suspicion of being under the influence of alcohol and drugs while driving?

Um, hello. He uses a megaphone on a regular basis. If that's not a warning sign for addiction, what is?

not just a glove

My 16-year-old sister will attend her first high school prom this year, and I think my parents would be much happier with the experience if she was forced to wear one of these dresses made of condoms. OK, maybe not.

But seriously...what compels somebody to make an entire wardobe out latex? Or lambskin? Or, well, you get the picture.

Anyway, save one for me. I'll even pay extra if 75 percent of the dress is flavored.

muy caliente

Cinco de Mayo, as I noted in Thursday's column, is one of many annual excuses for partying during which people don't actually know what they're celebrating.

Actually, it marks Mexico's victory over France in an 1862 battle. But if you're asked, a simple "something about Mexico" will suffice. Expect female party goers to use it as another excuse to dress like sluts, a tendency that applies to every holiday.

Also, don't hesitate to indulge in the plethora of umbrella-clad margaritas. Even if you're wearing a wife beater and requesting White Zombie songs.

You'll find a party at pretty much any area bar, but here are a few likely standouts:

*Best Way to Satisfy Your Inner Pinballer: Downtown's $10 bar crawl. One cover charge gets you into Oxygen, Big City Club, Daileys, The Vault and The Uptown Tap...plus food specials.

*Best Alcoholic Simulation of the United Nations: Scruffy Murphys, the downtown Irish pub that will host a Cinco de Mayo party with margarita specials and a performance by Jaded Soul.

*Best Place to Hide a Bad Dye Job: Memory Lane, where you can win $100 in a "Best Sombrero" contest. Drink specials are also included.

*Best Place to Experiment with Some Dirty Spanish: Fiesta Columbus, the carnival at the Columbus Civic Center. I went Thursday night, and let's just say the carnies didn't disappoint. At all.

*Best Place to Pretend You're Charo: Locos Amigos Cantina on Broadway, where five-piece Latin band Son Tropical will entertain 7:30-10:30 p.m. At 11 p.m., you can indulge in salsa and merengue dancing.

*Best Place to Watch a Stupid Decision: The Shanty Shack, where in addition to food and drink specials, you can count on a jalapeno-eating contest. Drunk people. Hot peppers. Does life get any better?

TGIF.

what's going on tonight?

Again, it's the usual suspects for a Thursday night...open mic at Fountain City, DJ Che at the Vault, Peggy Jenkins and the Rhythm Roosters at Broad Street Blues. SoHo Bar and Grill hosts the Neal Lucas Trio tonight.

Expect a Cinco de Mayo round-up tomorrow.

Anyone else ready for TGIF?

what? no hanson?!?

Came across this guy's list of what are supposedly the top 10 striptease songs. Ever.

Can't say I'm in full agreement, especially since the list leaves no room for my choreographed rendition of Hanson's "Mmmbop." Anyway, here goes:

10. Ginuwine, "Pony"

9. Billy Idol, "Eyes Without a Face"

8. Britney Spears, "I'm a Slave 4 U"

7. Pussycat Dolls, "Buttons"

6. Nine Inch Nails, "Closer"

5. D'Angelo, "She's Always in My Hair"

4. Lovage, "Sex (I'm a)"

3. Nelly, "Hot in Here"

2. Madonna, "Justify My Love"

1. Prince, "Cream"

Actually, I actually know half of these songs, and I'm a little saddened by the absence of The Divinyls (you know which song), not to mention John Mellencamp's "Hurts So Good."

Which songs make YOU wish you had a metal pole in your dining room?

what women want?

Today I came across this Men's Health article called "50 Things She Wishes You Knew: Universal Truths that All Men Should -- But Don't -- Understand." It's basically a rundown of the relationship pitfalls that women have been complaining about at gyms, salons and slumber parties for decades. A sampling:

No. 21: A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.

No. 34: I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.

No. 49: I remember everything about our relationship.

Initially, the list struck me as just a glorified version of the many MySpace bulletins and forwarded e-mails I've received since the majority of my friends entered serious relationships. But after a brief Google search of the aforementioned article, I was surprised by how much Internet criticism it's generated since its publication.

One of its chief critics, a blogger named Klashbash, even wrote points retaliating each item on the list. He prefaces it with: "Women have an appetite for erratic reasoning. They want equal rights without the negative ones. How about they pay half of the meal? Equality right? They want to be treated like a princess but god forbid they extend the 'anything for you' courtesy. As this snobbish 'the world revolves around me' list illustrates; you have to buy her off and treat her like an idol before she'll throw you a bone."

Harsh? Maybe. But these lists bother me because they give women the illusion that there are guys out there reading 50-item compilations in hopes of debunking every typical male flaw.

False.

List your demands as much as you'd like, but realize that they're ideals, not must-haves. Thoughts?